When God Seems Disappointing
A dream had been shattered and I felt frustrated, upset, and misrepresented. I held on to a hope that God was only taking the dream away temporarily, and would restore it as soon as I figured out the lesson he was trying to teach me. So I tried to speed up the process by ramping up my serving.
I knew I loved kids. Anytime I was with a group, I’d usually be with the kids rather than the adults. And as soon as Heidi Connors heard all of this, she invited me to become a leader at KWAM.
But then came a time of battling excuses: “Your heart is in pieces, Heather. It’ll be ok if you don’t go tonight. Besides, how can you give any love to those kids right now?” But the alternative was staying at home with my thoughts, and I really didn’t want to hear those. Perhaps, I thought, the Lord will see me fight through that desire to sit on the sidelines tonight, and restoration will come sooner.
Yet the enemy seemed to keep delivering blows and rubbing it in my face. It made me cry, “God, don’t you see me? Here I am pouring myself into these kids, and more devoted to you than ever, and this is happening? My Protector, my Provider, Ruler Over All, why?”
The thing is, He did see me. He didn’t resurrect my dream, no, but gave me something different. He ended up providing a serving opportunity that energized me. He brought fellow KWAM leaders who cared. And He brought kids who just needed to be loved and seen more than myself. Kids who displayed pure joy on their faces, showing me that there is something greater.
So this is the point I tie it into a nice bow and tell you everything is rosy. But I honestly can’t tell you I understand what He’s doing. Not yet anyway. And maybe that’s where you are. I believe it’s ok to feel the depth of pain and the breadth of disappointment. But I also believe God is not going to show us anything greater if we serve him only when He makes everything right, as if he owes us. Stop the standoff and start doing something (ahem—KWAM!). It’s easy to serve Him when every blessing comes your way. It takes courage and brute strength to serve Him when you feel like you have nothing left.
The Psalms have become my best friends in my devotional time. Can I encourage you to read them whether in joy or disappointment? Use them to praise or to stand upon, and don’t let the enemy take it from you—he’s a liar anyway.
KWAM has been a good reminder that we often make our faith more complicated than it really is. At work one day, I found myself thinking about a little chant we say with the kids, “God loves you no matter what. Happy, sad, or in a rut, God loves you no matter what.”
Heather Lund, KWAM leader